Somebody tell me a good joke.

[MPREZIV]

I found a "joke" thread on another local, "street racing" forum here, and found myself thoroughly appalled after but a short while, as the entire thread turned out to be nothing but red-neck, in-bred, goat f*cking fags telling un-funny racist jokes.

I thought to myself, "SECCS can do better than this dribble."

So, tell me a joke! Here, I'll start:

Guy walks into a Dr.'s office, un-announced, and storms directly in past reception to see the doctor. When he arrives in front of the practitioner, he removes his coat and hat, which reveals a giant toad growing out of the top of his skull!
"Dear God! How long have you had this odd growth!?" exclaims the Dr.






The toad says, "I woke up this morning, and there it was, coming out of my ass!"

[Ezdno]

Ok this Mid 40s couple goes to Jamaica on vacation, and while walking the streets looking at shops they stop in this leather shop to see what the goods are. The owner says in his Jamaican dialect.....halo maan can I help wit somthin, The couple just looks around, and the wife asks about this pair of sandals in the display. the shop owners says....aw dem sandals are magic...put dem on and your sex life will never be da same..... So intrigued about the sandals, and not believing a word the owner said, they buy the sandals, she hands them to her husband and says here put these on....

Immediately after putting them on, the husband has an over whelming sensation and grabs the store owner flips him around a bends him over.......

The shop clerks is screaming......YOU GOT DEM ON DA WRONG FEET YOU GOT DEM ON DA WRONG FEET!!!!!!

[M3n2c3]

:lol:

I'm better with one-liners than actual jokes, :~: but. . .

Have you heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?






Think about it.

[MPREZIV]

HA! That's good!

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[JonnydaJibba]

HA! That's good!

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Hahahha, that was corny and lame, but it made me laugh.

[MikeK]

What's brown and sticky?








A stick!

[sperry]

I feel this thread already descending into the darkness....


What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead babies?

You can use a pitch fork to unload the dump truck full of dead babies.

[Pat R.]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, " 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[MPREZIV]

I feel this thread already descending into the darkness....


What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead babies?

You can use a pitch fork to unload the dump truck full of dead babies.


Darkness, yes, but successful!

That joke's just messed up dude... :huh:

A proctologist decides he needs a new profession, so he decides to try his hand at being a Mechanic. He takes a 6 month course, does a great job, but is a bit perplexed after his final exam, of assembling a completely torn down engine. He scored 150%! He decides to take this up with his instructor, whom he asks, "How could I have scored 150%!? That's not possible!"

"Well", the instructor replies, "you did a perfect job on the final exam; the motor you built runs great, thus the 100 percent." "The other 50, I added because I've never seen anyone rebuild an entire engine through the tail pipe!"

[JonnydaJibba]

Scott that was horrible. What's worse is that I lol'd.

[Dean]

Scott, I am offended by your dead baby joke. It is offensive to the very young, and not alive people. you should be ashamed.



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:....








"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

[sybir]

Dean, I'm offended by your horrible pun. It is offensive to anyone that reads it :p

*runs*


Incidentally, how does a 3-legged dog sidle?

[sperry]

Dean, I'm offended by your horrible pun. It is offensive to anyone that reads it :p

*runs*


Incidentally, how does a 3-legged dog sidle?
Very carefully or it'll get it's balls pinched by the barstool.

[Dean]

OK, no more puns...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Dean]

JC was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when JC turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to JC, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the JC. "How about the relative visual merits of GC and GD Subarus"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said JC. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Subarus when you don't know shit?"

[dknv]

More on the airplane:
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"


The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.



The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks . . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[MPREZIV]

A rather dim fella takes up a job as a laborer on a farm. He's plenty of help, as although he's not too bright, he's a big guy with plenty of strength.
One day the farmer tells him to take the work truck and drive a load of feed up to the north 40 to feed the horses at the stable there. "But I doesn't know how to drive boss!" exclaims the worker! The farmer tells him it's easy, and gives him a short tutorial on how to work the pedals and such. "If you have any problems, just call me on the radio and I'll talk you through it." the farmer tells him.

About 10 minutes after the hired hand leaves, there's a frantic call on the radio, "I've run over a pig! He's jammed in the grill of the truck! There's blood everywhere, and he's smashing about something awful!"

"That's alright," says the farmer, "accidents happen. Just take the rifle out of the back of the truck, put him out of his misery, un-jam him from the grill and be on your way."

Another ten minutes goes by, and the farmer decides to check up on his help. "Well, are you up to the stable yet?" "No," responds the worker, "I shot the pig like you said, and un-jammed him from the grill, but I can't get his motorcycle out from under the front axle!" :eek:

[DZ]

What is 18" long, blue and drives women crazy?






















Crib death...

[DZ]

What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby three weeks later.

What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.


A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....

SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

[DZ]

What's the difference bewtween a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag...


What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.




A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white
boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your
grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look Nana, I'm a white
boy "

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his
mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already hate you Mexicans."



Fr. John is hearing confessions one fine Sunday afternoon when the urge for "nature's extra special moment happens". Knowing he can not leave the confessional while one of his parishoners is speaking he starts to panic. Having to crap real bad he opens the door to his side of the booth enough to see that the janitor is cleaning up in the next room.

He calls the janitor over and asks him to fill in for a few minutes and shows the janitor the chat on the wall telling him what pennance to give the sinner next door. One hail mary for cursing, two for thniking impure thoughts and so on down the list. Still uneasy about it the janitor sits in the booth and has a fairly easy time for the first few until the neighborhood slut sits down in the booth and proceeds to confess to giving a blow job.

Now the janitor starts to panic when he realizes that this item does not appear on the list of sins the priest has on the wall. So he opens the door and calls the altar boy over and asks him "what does Fr. John give for a blow job?"

The kid replies - Two candy bars and a coke...

[Kevin M]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

[MPREZIV]

HA! Homosexual birds! Funny!

[Ezdno]

Not my joke...but I laughed none the less!

Some mall maniac....

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenagers had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teen would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." :lol:

[NevadaSTi]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?




Because another pair of tits could easily fit there.

[rubberbiscuitt]

what do pink floyd and dale earnhart have in common?




their last big hit was the wall

[Trisca]

What did the potato chip say to the battery?



I'm Free-to-lay if you're Ever ready...

[cody]

Bahahahahhaha :D

[MPREZIV]

Two fellas find their seats on an airplane to Pittsburg, when each looks over and notices that the other has a BIG black eye!
"What a coincidence!" exclaims one of the passengers. "If I may ask, how'd you get YOUR black eye?"
"It was a simple Fruedian (sp?) slip. I was at the ticket counter, and there was a beautiful girl behind the counter with LARGE breasts. I couldn't take my eye off them, and when I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally said 'Tittsburg', so she socked me one! How about you?"
Mine was a slip of the tonge as well! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning, and I meant to ask her to pass the sugar, but I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you large bottomed, self-centered bitch!' "

[JonnydaJibba]

:lol:

[bruspeed]

Something in this thread trigered "porn" and other not so desireable stuff on my work filter :eek:

[JonnydaJibba]

Something in this thread trigered "porn" and other not so desireable stuff on my work filter :eek:

How? There aren't any links in here...looking back I see the words homosexual birds. Is that it? :eek:

[Kevin M]

'large breasts'

[bruspeed]

Not really sure, this is the second time It triggered those things, and blocked my access to the site, My IT lady isn't gonna unlock it anymore :( she's mean.

[MPREZIV]

That's just odd. I mean, some of the jokes are fairly tasteless, but not THAT bad!

[sybir]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a chair?



I've never eaten a dead baby.

[sperry]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a chair?



I've never eaten a dead baby.
What?

[sybir]

What?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I fuckin' love that one. You have to deliver it totally straight-faced, then people do the normal uncomfortable "heh" you get with a dead baby joke.......then 10 seconds later it's like, "wait, WHAT?"

[MPREZIV]

So you've eaten a chair then huh?

[sybir]

So you've eaten a chair then huh?

Exactly :lol: ;)

It was once, in college and i needed the money!

[rubberbiscuitt]

and you sit on dead babys?

[sybir]

Alright. Fuck it. Was a simple joke, not an autobiographical statement. Clear? :p

[MPREZIV]

:lol:

[Nick Koan]

Two strawberries are taking a bath and one says "Could you pass the soap?" The other one responds with "What do I look like, a toaster?"

[sperry]

Two strawberries are taking a bath and one says "Could you pass the soap?" The other one responds with "What do I look like, a toaster?"
I was waiting for that one to show up... now that this thread has gone from "post good jokes" to "post bad jokes".

[Nick Koan]

Oh, I've got plenty of bad ones that I've been holding off on. And I think I'll refrain, for the sake of saving the thread.








/do you have any grapes?

[Ezdno]

Two slugs walk into a bar, the first one orders a margarita, takes a big drink and melts to the floor....the second one says....I will have the same thing...NO SALT

[JonnydaJibba]

Two slugs walk into a bar, the first one orders a margarita, takes a big drink and melts to the floor....the second one says....I will have the same thing...NO SALT

Welp, not every train makes it to the station.

[A1337STI]

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test ?


A: Drool!

[sperry]

How many fleas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but damned if I know how they get in there!

[khail19]

This one is a bit long, but I think it's worth it...

So this guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a drink. The monkey climbs down on the bar and starts going around eating all the peanuts. The bartender tells the guy "Hey, your monkey is eating all the customer's peanuts!" The guy replies "Yeah, sorry about that. He likes to eat things that he shouldn't. Let me pay you for the trouble." So the guy pays for the peanuts and his drink and leaves.

The guy and the monkey return the next day. The guy orders a drink, and the monkey climbs down and runs over to the pool table. He proceeds to swallow down the cue ball whole. Now the bartender is getting sort of upset and yells at the guy "Your monkey just ate my cue ball!" The guys says "I'm really sorry, this stupid monkey just can't help himself." So he pays the bartender for his drink and the cue ball and they leave again.

About a week goes by before the guy and his monkey return to the bar. The guy sits and orders a drink, and the monkey gets down on the bar again. He runs over to the bowl of cherries, and sticks one up his butt, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender sees this and is disgusted. He yells at the guy "Your stupid nasty monkey just stuck a cherry up his ass and then ate it!" The guy looks up and says "Doesn't really surprise me. Ever since he had to shit that cue ball out last week he's been sizing up everything he eats. I guess he's smarter than I thought he was." :lol:

[JonnydaJibba]

Hahahahaha. Good one.

[Ezdno]

Guy walks in a bar...sitting at one end of the bar is a beautiful woman. He walks over and sits down next to her and says...Hello there, whats your name? She replies "My name is Carmen" The guy smiles and says, I have always loved that name, do you know what it means? The woman says, no not really, but I do know its two of my favorite things....Cars and Men. The woman then says...whats your name? The guy thinks about it for a second and says....Beertits.

[MikeK]

OK that one made me laugh :lol:

[A1337STI]

"Lull"

[JonnydaJibba]

Haha beertits hahaha you slay me.

[NevadaSTi]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light. I was not really paying attention. It was my fault.

Anyway, the guy who was driving the car gets out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"........

I said, "Well then, which one are you?"

Then he got really pissed.

[Tahoe C5]

WOMAN'S POEM



Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

Will take me out and won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.









MAN'S POEM



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great legs, huge boobs, owns a Bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[cody]

LOL

[Joeyy]

Keep this thread alive...

Nevada Trooper Joke

Two men were driving through Nevada when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Nevada, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Nevada, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would have tried that shit with me!"

[Kevin M]

Why do I get the feeling that one circulates with versions for pretty much every sstate except California? :lol:

[Joeyy]

delete

[100_Percent_Juice]

The title of this thread clearly states "tell me a Good joke"

[moose]

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the building?


A: To see if kotex really had wings!

[moose]

Q: Why did the toddler drop his lolly pop?



A: Because he was hit by a Mack Truck

[M3n2c3]

^
The title of this thread clearly states "tell me a Good joke"

[MPREZIV]

Moose, you dork!


Guy walks into a bar, and sits down on the counter an octopuss. Bartender asks, "what's with that thing?" To which the man replies, "It's my pet, and it makes me money! It can play any instrument in the world!" So the bartender bets him $100 that it can't play the piano at the back of the bar. Well, after sitting the octopuss on the piano, and it's searching around for a minute, it begins playing the most beautiful concerto you've ever heard! Amazed, the bartender pays up, and another man walks up and sits down a trumpet case next to the octopuss. "I bet it can't figure this one out!" After pulling the instrument out of the case, and fiddling with it for a couple minutes, the octopuss lays down the hottest blues track since Louis Armstrong! Dumbfounded, the second challenger takes back his trumpet, but at the same time, a Scottsman walks up and presents a set of bagpipes! "Ack, I bet yer fishy can't play this!"

The octopuss wrestles around with the pipes for a couple minutes in frustration, and is unable to make a sound. "He can't play it! See!?" shouts the Scott, to which the octupuss replies, "Play it? If I can get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna FUCK it!"

[100_Percent_Juice]

Cory you have soiled your own thread.

[moose]

There is a gay guy who walks into a bar in texas full of cow boys. Gay asked"Could I have a scotch and water?" Bartender said"Sure, but usually i dont serve people like you. So if i was you i would go sit in the corner and drink it as fast as you can." about five minutes later a big cow boy comes busting in and yells out"Im so thirsty I can drink the milk out of a cow." The gay guy jumps up and says"Oh mooooo"

[MPREZIV]

Cory you have soiled your own thread.

Octopuss jokes are funny dammit! You got something better sucka?

[100_Percent_Juice]

Ok, and this is a true story of course.
About 6 years ago I went with some of my friends to Niagara falls. We were walking around checking stuff out and we saw this tee-pee on the side of the road with a sign next to it "fortune telling here". I laughed because it was so random. My friend said "hey lets go check that out." I told him I would wait in the car because I don't believe in psychics and the whole idea just creeps me right the F out. After waiting at the car for a few minutes I decided to go inside just to observe. I went inside and sure enough there was some dude dressed like an indian. I am 90% sure that he was some white guy but thats not important.
Right away I started laughing and the guy said to me "would you like to know your future?". I said "no". He said "what, you don't believe I am psychic?" Again I said "no". He said "try me. Ask me a question." So I said "fine. what did I eat for breakfast?". He sat there for a minute looking at some cards... "eggs, you had eggs for breakfast." I just threw up my hands and walked out. My friend followed me out and said "dude that was crazy you did have eggs!" I said "that is total crap everyone in the US of A has freaking eggs for breakfast! your so naive." I laughed again and we left. We never even talked about it again after that until this last year.
Last year I took my wife to Niagara falls because she had never been. Sure enough that same tee-pee was still there after all these years. I had totally forgotten about it. We walked back over there just because I wanted to see if it was the same "indian" inside. I opened the tent and sure enough it was the same guy. I put my hand up and said "how". He looked up at me and said "scrambled".

[MPREZIV]

:fail:

[AtomicLabMonkey]

You guys sure are pounding the haterade for each other.

[moose]

:fail:



I don't know why, but this makes me laugh!! :lol:

[Kevin M]

:liljon:

[moose]

A native Irish man walks into a pub in Ireland. He orders 3 Guiness at a time. The bartender asks"Wouldn't you want to wait to order the next one later?" The man said"No, because I want to drink them as fast as I can for my brothers, Jim and Scott because they cant get Guiness in Ethopia."
The bartender says"Alright then."

So for about five years the man came in every day and ordered 3 guiness.
Then one day, out of the clear blue, he ordered 2 guiness. Every one in the bar gasped and asked, "did one of your brothers die?"
The man says no, I just quit drinking.

[NevadaSTi]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.


"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.


Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.



"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.


About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.


"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

[NevadaSTi]

Well, of course, colonoscopies are no joke, have one regularly anyway, but these comments during the exam are pretty funny -- a physician listed the following actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Hey, take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God! Now I know why I'm not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

[MPREZIV]

^^ "Geez! How deep do you think you need to dig in there Doc!? If I wanted my teeth examined, I would'a gone to a dentist!" -Bill Engvall

[Road_Kill]

Ok I heard this from one of the techs at work today....

Whats the difference between a porsche, and a garage full of dead babies?

I dont have a porsche in my garage.

[MPREZIV]

:lol: Reminds me of Scott's "dumptruck full of bowling balls" joke on the first page!

[NevadaSTi]

Harley-Davidson in Heaven



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."



Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.



God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"



Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."




God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"



Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"



God said, "Ah, yes."



"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."



God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!!!