"Your car is so slow..." was: Dean talks smack.

[Dean]

Since Mike K. is joining us in STX, I was going to put something in the spotted thread about low hanging fruit in STX he could pick off without naming names. blue & rice, black & nice but figured that wouldn't be very nice, and started thinking about jokes and thought there really needs to be some "Your car is so slow..." Jokes.

I was only able to find 3 on the Interweb, from: http://www.geocities.com/seacow_99/old_car.html

Your car is so slow...
... people pass you on the right.
... people pass you on the sidewalk.
... your lawn mower goes faster.

I thought Scott would appreciate number 1, but knew we could come up with better ones. here are my contributions so far...

Your car is so slow...

the speedometer goes to eleven. (Sorry, Spinal Tap reference)
the digital speedometer only has one digit.
when you turn, the friction causes you to go backwards.
the Automatic transmission gear selector reads P R N .1 .2 D
the gear shift is numbered 0-3.
cops think their radar is broken.
it leaves a slime trail.
it gets parking tickets on the freeway.
you have to ask for vacation time to go out for lunch.

Your turn...

[sperry]

Nice Dean!

Your car is so slow...

...its 0-60 time is measured by geologists.
...it can break the speed limit only if it's dropped out of a plane.
...hitchhikers ask if you'd like to get out and walk with them 'cause it'll be faster.
...turning on your headlights stops the car.
...your gear lever is labled "Park" and "Really Park".
...using the restroom before a trip doubles its top speed.
...you get revved on by kids on Big-Wheels.
...Car & Driver started their road-test in 1969, and they hope to have the numbers for the March 2006 issue.
...deer caught in the headlights laugh at you, then call their friends over to come and see.
...you lost the race by 4 "wheel-chair lengths".
...old people give *you* the finger.
...you have to carry chains in July in case you don't make it home before it snows.
...the spiders living in your rims are barely dizzy.
...your trunkmonkey is actually the more affordable "trunksloth".
...your wife not only gave birth in the back seat on the way to the hospital, she had time to concieve and give birth a second time.
...hitting a cone hurts your time because now you have to back up and drive around it.

Okay, I'm spent...

[Kevin M]

Originally Posted by sperry

...your trunkmonkey is actually the more affordable "trunksloth"...

Omg I'm dying over that one!

[sperry]

...it only needs paper-plate brake rotors and eraser brake pads.

[Kevin M]

How about "... the drum brakes are for show purposes only."

[sperry]

Originally Posted by BAN SUVS

How about "... the drum brakes are for show purposes only."

or

"...the "drum" brakes are actually part of the audio system."

[Kevin M]

"...Pep Boys has nothing left to sell you."
"...you can only 'burn rubber' with your Zippo and a Trojan."
"...the last time you bought gas, you were pissed because it had crept over $1 per gallon."
"...the milkman still delivers to your house, because you can't get it home fast enough."
"...it belongs in Z Stock."
"...it does 0-60 in THEORY."

[sperry]

Originally Posted by BAN SUVS

"...it does 0-60 in THEORY."

Bwahahhahha!!

[sperry]

...your biggest danger driving in the wet is rust.

[Kevin M]

Originally Posted by sperry

Bwahahhahha!!

Yeah, I stopped because I knew I wasn't going to do better than that. Made myself laugh at that.

[Dean]

I think Scott's are better than mine. I got some more...

snails use your wheels as a treadmill.
it runs in Z stock
farting is considered a turbo upgrade putting you in Street Mod.
when you talk about "sticky tires" it is when gum gets stuck to them and stops the car.
the city morgue stops and check on you every day or so when they go by.
it takes longer to get to the DMV than it does waiting in line at the DMV.
your new registration tags arrive in the mail befere you get home from the smog check.
turning on the AC makes it go back in time to before you turned it on.
you get passed by glaciers.
it has been declared a historical landmark on your route to work.

[Dean]

Oh man, Kevin stole my Z stock one...

[MikeSTI]

....when you start it the car it "Laughs at you"
....a tire rotation is done by driving it!
....I passed you on the way to work all week and you only work on Saturdays
....when the cop pulled you over it was for going to slow
....if you robbed a bank they wouldnt catch you untill tomarow when you arived at the raod block
....when I passed you the draft pushed you off the raod
...the kids on the block wanted a turn
....you put cards in the spooks to be cool with the kids on the block
....est. top speed is just in "Theory"
....it cant even be seen as speed


ill have to think of some more

[tysonK]

...even long exposure traffic cameras have you in focus.

...on the highway bugs slow you down instead of splattering.

[Dean]

Careful now, don't turn these into your car is so old... That is a different thread.