Top 10 D-BAG Cars

[scootyc]

Thought this was pretty funny and didn't see it posted already: Taken from legacygt.com

10 Maserati: This car is in the number 10 spot only because of their lack of prescence on the road. Typical of a mid-30s douchebag, these cars can be found with their either wealthy or stupidly indebted owners driving like complete morons in thick midday traffic. When they aren't trying to impress high school sophomores with their rad fake ferraris they can be found laying black marks into onramps and nearly taking out soccer moms when they fail to signal while playing NASCAR on the highway.


..9 Civic Si: While most civics are owned by sensible motorists just wanting cheap transport, a small group of teenage douchebags, empowered by the fantastic scenes of speed in The Fast and the Fictious have decided that one car stands above all else as a powerhouse road rocket. They have chosen the anemic Civic Si to show the rest of the commuting world just who's boss. With it's stunning 170 HP, these buzzfarting pests can be seen slowly bumbling through traffic, racecar style, sometimes passing on shoulders and turn lanes to prove their macho vehicles are faster than anything they happen to pass, most of the time when no "race" of any sort is taking place.


..8 BMW 3-Series: Everyone's encountered these douchebags on the road. Yuppie with a cell phone up to his ear, crappy eurotrash technomusic blaring, chinese knock-off designer sunglasses on and a pink polo shirt with the collar popped like a pro. This metrodouchebag has only one thing on his mind when he's driving, and that's proving how big a douchebag he really is to any and all drivers on the road. When you are at an intersection with a lane that ends, he will try to race you to get in front of you, when you are doing 15 over on the freeway, he will pretend to be agitated and floor his mighty 220 HP mill to flyby you and show that his vehicle is meant for autobahn speeds. Apparently the warranty as a clause about a free replacement vehicle if the car is damaged while running a red light or stop sign, regardless of age or mileage, so be careful when these crowning douchebags pull their ultimate driving machine up to the line, they might just cross it!


..7 Dodge Ram: This list wouldn't be complete without the country douchebag cousin. Out of all the trucks, none has spurned a douchebag craze like the Hemi toting ram. With it's big grille, sunburnt, dirty, tattoo'd arm hanging out the window, and a confederate flag adorning the rear window, this truckload of douchebaggery will bear down on any little car that happens to be in front of them, tail gating them until they can snarl their overstressed engine to gradually pass by. Loud and awful sounding exhausts along with gun racks and cam seat covers are common place on these rural douche haulers. Just make sure you have a decent bit of distance between these tailgating SOBs if you decide to brake check these lunatics, trucks aren't known for their ability to stop.


..6 Trans-Am: A hardy choice for a midlevel douchebag, Trans-ams are notorious for their owners complete lack of self control when it comes to showing off their badass plastic muscle car. Revving their obnoxiously loud engines at anything with 4 wheels and an audible engine, these douchebags are always looking for a chance to show off their douchebaggery. More often than not, some slack-jawed yokel, upon being called such, will utter phrases like "well what do you drive" or "my ****'s faster'n yours". This boondock douchebag call, while not limited to trans-am drivers, is often followed by a big burnout , no matter how thick the traffic is, and a middle finger. It should be noted, these douchebags appear to network with other douchebags to form douche convoys.


..5 Camaro SS: The companion douchebag to the trans-am, these cocky bastards have taken a notch above the trans-am because of the ego boost their SS badge gives them. SS, standing for Super Small, is a reference to their penis size. Often the SS Douchebag (lol sounds like a ship full of *******s) will try to show off for his inbred girlfriend by racing vehicles that aren't acknowledging a race, or participating in the douchebaggery of trans-am owners, as stated above. On top of burnouts, donuts, and being obnoxious, they firmly believe the SS badge of their Camaro gives them super powers over other Camaros, even V8s, inspite of a weight difference not over come by the marginal power difference.


..4 Mustang Cobra: The crowning douchebag of the V8, the mustang cobra reigns supreme in their godlike douchebaggery. Cobra douchebags suffer from a Napoleonic complex that their cars are the greatest vehicles ever made. The fact that can be fast is the primary fuel for this ego. However, when these douchebags are bested they fall back on a douchebag cliche as old as time. People who think their car sucks are jealous of it, and wish they could afford the bourgeois pricetag of a $27000-$30000 car. They are also prone to excuse making, from the design of the car, to the fact that some of these douchebags just don't know how to drive them. These are all excuses levied to try and quell the flood of criticism of the small-dicked, arrogant douchebag when they try to show off more than they are able.


..3 Subaru STi: The douchebag mobile for the 21st century is here. Complete with a simulated penis enlarging function that gives the owners of these fugly shopping carts with engines the feeling they are more masculine than they truely are. Again spouting claims of jealous or inability to afford a cheap japanese import, the drivers of these cars are the first all-weather douchebags of the list. Because of mass advertising campaigns, the pinheaded morons driving these cars seem to think that any day, rain, snow, shine, or 3" of glaze ice is race day and will not hesitate to prove this to you, even if it means slamming into a telephone pole on a winter day. On top of that, the turbocharged engine gives these twats a sense of superiority over other vehicles that don't have turbochargers. The douchebags brag about these fascinating pieces of technology, even if they haven't a clue how they work.


..2 Mitsubishi EVO: Thanks to a mass marketed hype, Mitsubishi was able to jump into the douchebag market with the Mitsubishi EVO, an ugly piece of junk that can best be described as a turbocharged chinese takeout box. Because of the hype and aura surrounded by these douchemobiles, their owners think their cars are invincible, able to best every and any car on the road or track, inspite of reality. Again jealousy is an issue with the owners of these rolling dumpsters because we all know people just wish they owned a $30000 Lancer with a hopped up engine. Additional "technology" features (including a massive wing inversely proportional to the owners penis size) attract quasi-intelligent douchebags to these cars because they can pretend to explain how all the useless marketing features actually make their cars fast. Through extensive douchebag networking, a random douchebag always knows some other douchebag who is a friend of a douchebag with an Evo that runs single digits in the quarter mile. This information is b ogus, and often imparted by a douchebag trying to impress non-douchebags about a hyped up douchemobile that he doesn't own. Races with these uber-fast EVOs never materialize either. Fortunately, the hype on these vehicles is fading away, but egos remain higher than ever as a result, with douchebags desperate to prove how badass they can be by racing anything on the road.


and now...


The Number 1 Douchebag Vehicle of All


Dodge Neon SRT4: The ultimate in douchebaggery vehicles. A worthless turd of a vehicle, slapped together by the company that brought you the Ram, comes a douchemobile of unimaginable proportions. There is not a single owner of these vehicles that isnt faithful to the douchebag way of life. Whether it's talking up their slow piece of crap and never running it, making every excuse from the douchebag rolodex of BS reasons why they won't race or lost a race, or simply doing childish douchebag things like weaving, blowing through redlights, flooring it at every opportunity, burnouts in traffic, revving at cars two lanes over and in front of them, racing in traffic, nearly rear ending cars, losing control and flying off a road while attempting to race a car that wasn't racing, NASCAR impersonations, trying to show off to their ugly girlfriend how macho they are by being a complete moron, pretending parking lots are rally tracks, and thinking they have the fastest car ever built, SRT4 owners do it all. They are world class, award winning, grade A douchebags that need to be stomped, laughed at, outrun, and outdone in every car related anything they bring their pieces of crap too. Even Dodge thought they created a douchebag monster they couldn't control so they axed it. Above it all, these douchebags are in intense denial about one thing: THEY DRIVE NEONS. Neons will never be cool, respectable, awesome, attractive, or have a legacy other than being pre-form scrap metal. Douche on, SRT4 owners, Douche on!:

[knucklesplitter]

How did the H2 not make that list? Escalade?

Actually the guy who wrote it I think has some http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection issues. And he writes "lack of prescence on the road", so he has the equivalent literacy of a middle school B student.

Useful joke:
Q: What is the difference between a <insert car make or model> and a porcupine?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

That joke was originally used for Porsches and then Corvettes and BMWs, which were the premiere d-bag cars back in the days before imports took over.

[sperry]

Originally Posted by knucklesplitter

How did the H2 not make that list? Escalade?

Actually the guy who wrote it I think has some "projection" issues. And he writes "lack of prescence on the road", so he has the equivalent literacy of a middle school B student.

Useful joke:
Q: What is the difference between a <insert car make or model> and a porcupine?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

That joke was originally used for Porsches and then Corvettes and BMWs, which were the premiere d-bag cars back in the days before imports took over.

They didn't make the list because it's so old the H2 and Escalade had been invented yet.

[Bob Danger]

I disagree with this entire list. I could only get through 3, the amount of times the author used the term douche bag was getting to me.

[ScottyS]

Heheh, the concept is great but the delivery is lacking.

Really, the list is more like:

Boxters
Buick Regals
C4 Vettes
Honda Civics
Honda Civic CRXs (deserve separate category)
Lifted Ford Powerstrokes
Escalades
Euro SUV's
Scions
Durangos

[Bob Danger]

Scion TC
Ken Block
Audi anything
BMW Z4
King Ranch anything
Escalade
Wrangler
Triumph
GTR
Supra

[Dean]

Originally Posted by Bob Danger

Scion TC
Ken Block
Audi anything
BMW Z4
King Ranch anything
Escalade
Wrangler
Triumph
GTR
Supra

That's F'd up... Audi drivers are the nicest German Marque drivers I know. Other's can be real A-holes, but only engineers and women who like TTs buy Audis...

OK, point taken...

And Z3 owners are much worse because they bought a F'd up rear suspension, and like to play like they didn't.

[cody]

People who make lists like this are douche bags.

[WRX06TR]

Originally Posted by Bob Danger

Scion TC
Ken Block
Audi anything
BMW Z4
King Ranch anything
Escalade
Wrangler
Triumph
GTR
Supra

Ok, I understand that you hate Ken Block..but whats up with the hate on the GTR and Supra?

[van]

Originally Posted by cody

People who make lists like this are douche bags.

QFT!, and the GTR is a pile of computers waiting to fail. Give it a true gearbox and lose about a half ton of its weight and it could be a cool car.

[szucchet]

Originally Posted by van

QFT!, and the GTR is a pile of computers waiting to fail. Give it a true gearbox and lose about a half ton of its weight and it could be a cool car.

agree!

[MPREZIV]

Originally Posted by WRX06TR

Ok, I understand that you hate Ken Block..but whats up with the hate on the GTR and Supra?

It's not hate of the car itself, but that the people who drive them are cocks...

[.grimace]

haha too funny the top 3 is so correct. now i know this is a subaru board but there are so many people who drive them and evos who thinks it's gods gift to earth. even when you'd beat them they say stuff like "well i still drive a sti so fuck you" and stuff like that. civics should be higher

[cody]

I'm God's gift to my car.

[.grimace]

charlieeeeeee

[WRX06TR]

Originally Posted by .grimace

haha too funny the top 3 is so correct. now i know this is a subaru board but there are so many people who drive them and evos who thinks it's gods gift to earth. even when you'd beat them they say stuff like "well i still drive a sti so fuck you" and stuff like that. civics should be higher

And thats coming from a Honda fanatic...what up Byron?

[.grimace]

hey nick i totally forgot to ask you last night if you were on here. i remember you said something about it once but i forgot the name.

[Bob Danger]

Originally Posted by Bob Danger

Scion TC
Ken Block
Audi anything
BMW Z4
King Ranch anything
Escalade
Wrangler
Triumph
GTR
Supra

What the hell do you have against triumph owners?

[sperry]

Originally Posted by Bob Danger

What the hell do you have against triumph owners?

Bob... why'd you bump a thread from 2009? Did you buy a Triumph...?

[Nick Koan]

As long as your got a good amount of Oil Dri, Triumphs aren't that bad.

[A1337STI]

STR4s are actually a dominate car for Group-5 Rally stateside ..... Lauchlin O'sulvian (former Mitsubishi factory driver) made everyone look silly when he was driving one, I think he won Idaho rally 2 years ago ... he kinda strayed from the "attack the driver" to the car. ya it is a hopped up neon, one that is really fast in the right application. (straight line, or with a torsen front diff, stage rally) 9:36 on the ring. Not a stunning time or anything, but it beats most non sports cars

[Bob Danger]

Originally Posted by sperry

Bob... why'd you bump a thread from 2009? Did you buy a Triumph...?

It was under related threads in Stancer post, and I'm considering buying a Triumph Bonneville, or Thruxton.

[AtomicLabMonkey]

Originally Posted by van

the GTR is a pile of computers waiting to fail.

I'm gonna remember this quote to drop on one of my projects at work.. very apt.

[Kevin M]

Originally Posted by Nick Koan

As long as your got a good amount of Oil Dri, Triumphs aren't that bad.

Or the ability to consistently park in front of your neighbor's house. Like mine.

[rory_a]

Originally Posted by Bob Danger

It was under related threads in Stancer post, and I'm considering buying a Triumph Bonneville, or Thruxton.

I think the triumph jab was at the cars though, no? Considering it's a two year old post, and triumph bikes were still more associated with ratty old school choppers as cafe was only starting to make a comeback.

I'd love to find a decently priced thruxton though... Been wanting a solid cafe project for way too long.